moving on

hi again
if someone asks you to forget and start all over again..what do you do.. you try to forgive... i did...but cudnt forget. here i am at the end of night writng blogs and reading 'hitchhikers guide to the galaxy', my book and not sleeping.
sometimes you have friends like i do... who call you and say 'hi, whats news?'
and you know that they are least interested to know your bit of it. so you cut the trash out..and say 'you tell me' and then... they tell you.
sometimes you get annoyed , sometimes i get positively violent... (thats my fault) but i still listen.

Depression is a strange disease.. it has no scar that you can show, people would believe if you bleed but people wont believe if you are perpetually sad;but it eats from within..and you feel like ending it.. and then sometimes, when say you are watching tom and jerry and laughing out loud, or may be you are contemplating death, this pal who is always concerned about himself calls.. and for that moment you are bothered about his mom , his gf, his results, his life and then later you realise that you are not thinking about dying, you are thinking of solving this individuals agonies and temporarily suspending your own.
Then, dont you feel glad that there is no one to listen to you!!!!!

The fault or rather the signifying flaw of most living thinking human mind is that it believes that it is impartial, but essentially it is strongly biased. Almost all humans like you to see their side of the story, believe their emotions are justified, and so are their reactions to life.But i see that we are a bunch of impractical individuals.
I'll tell you why:
my cat killed her own kitten, it was a weakling. I have for a long time seen mother animals eating or killing their young. Its horrifying.. but it is so utilitarian, so practical. The animals are so 'into' life. they dont care about death. Death is ignored, not taken notice of, and not reacted towards with any concern. That, which is dead or dying, has only one utility in life, consume it... so that another living can thrive. As far as i know there used to be many tribes who leave there dead or dying in the mercy of nature.. i am not justifying it.. it is positively petrifying to even think of it but they were so used to life , living, its processes and nuances, disruptions and togetherness, loss and gain and primarily hunger and survival that death was just trouble in the way of living, a practical trouble.
It is in my depressing mind that I think of dying sometimes, and think of going to the doctor at other times; yet i know so very well that i am scared to die, to take my last breath.. yet i think of it as a method to react to the life that i do not find very satisfying. So i think of the animals, their lack of emotion, they dont know they will die, they dont fear and its better, so so better to die once than dying every day by the fear of it.Even to think in details..its not death its the pain that life gives us sometimes. And we hardly have any options.. take it or leave it only most people cant leave it because when you think of it, life is very addicting, its not easy to give up here. Dont know if thats a good thing or bad. Sometimes it seems that the word hope is a bait, a kind of delicacy that makes you believe that ' its possible' and you pass days after days, nights after nights, hoping to catch that ever elusive ray of hope.. its like god tricking us into living somewhere and again.. it might be that it is hope of better tomorrow that plays with the strings of our desire, create a music that is so encouraging that you agree to get mystified by it... music of our own desire entangles us in to our life.. but to see , life is all about living... with true hope or false it doesnt matter. History has instances where hopes became reality, where the impossible happened, when one individual changed the course of history.. it takes courage, common sense and lotsa luck...so one might just believe it. At the end of it i still want to live..but not be sad. Feels bad that people closest to you hurt you and they dont understand that they have done so, and then they say sorry and if you cant forgive or cant forget they get irritated, as if it was your responsibility to forgive and especially forget. no one wants to be blamed, no one wants to get punished, and no one wants to feel guilty. fine but wish there was someone who would understand how difficult it is to live everyday with a broken heart and broken self. Knowing the humours of life, one can guarantee there is no one. If anyone who bothered to read this to the end i tell you this is neither a morbid writing nor a sad or depressing one. its just facing facts. there is nothing happy or sad about it.
trashmaster