trash

hi,
to myself and to anyone who cares to read
am not really sure why i am writing this. may be because, internet or virtual space is such an arena where one might just find company and at the same time be comfortably alone, its like talking to someone you cant see, but that someone is sure to listen.two opposite notions placed together.
and maybe that is what i am, confused, contradictory, subtle and sensitive; one can easily blame me for being a libran... that is not really my fault is it?
i today realised that i probably am a strongly selfish woman. i never really thought so about myself.i also realise that i do not love my boyfriend, whom i am going to marry. i am currently pensive.i have been with him for four years, i liked him, and after eight months of him running after me, i agreed to date him and go steady.all was well. but then came the crisis...i loved him, so i did whatever he asked me to, because, i have been ditched before and i was grateful to this guy who loved me and made me forget my own sad experiences. i was happy, no i was content. therefore i wanted to make it up to him, did almost everything keeping his happiness in mind. soon i realised that by doing it, i have allowed him to dominate me, tell me always what to do, and what not to, what to wear and what not to... and my self confidence gave way to the lack of the same, creating unsurety in my way s of thinking. i stared to think that probably whatever i do i might be wrong,..i became sick, then i became quite, then i gave up and then it was depression and then there was no way out. i cried, to him, asked him o spend some time with me, told him, yelled at him, begged him, broke up with him and then ...i realised that i had died.something vibrant , alive, throbbing, which used to make me what i was.. was dead.. .i was and am a ghost. i know my emotions are dead, that my love is dead and i am so so sure that it wont happen again... yet i longed.. to feel it, to taste it, to expirience what it is to be alive again. and whenever i tried to do so, past memoties troubled them. i could not forget, i could not get over. it was like a wall ina nd aroung me, that does not let me get out...even if i strech myhand i found something blocking me. i lost it.. almost. then he came back and he said he was sorry that he didnt reaslise that i was in such a bad condition. this made me feel ditched yet again. the person who will marry me, the person who promised to love me, the person who should have been my friend through the entire life DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I WAS IN NEED.when i yelled at him, he said its my problem if i have not been abale to take care tof myself, to assert my own emotions.. may be he was right.
i could not forget. this went on for more than a year and a half and i crumbled and strangely realised that the relation we started grew stronger than us.since then he has changed.. probably he understands me now, but now i dont care.. i am violent, abusive, insulting, and get into bouts of extreme depression...he has suffered all that. i could not feel anymore. i just cannot. he says something or talks about something and i look at the wall, the tree the screen. i listen to what he says but dont really grasp them or understand them. and i donot care. he does say he loves me, but he might as well have said that today its wednesday. they fetch same kinda reactions from me.. but in the mean time i have told him several times that i dont love him, rather what i exactly said was that ' i hate you'. i slapped him, insulted him, been mean to him. everytime i did that i regrtted but i cud not stop. i cud not get out of what he did and said before... which were indeed many ... whenever i saw him, heard his voice it remineded me of those cruel days when i used to cry on phone trying to make him understand and he went on watching a match or was already asleep.his presence scared me, scarred me.
but today i realised suddenly that i through this process, i have become selfish. i dont think , i just feel. if now he says something i dont try to understand why, but just feel. may be he says negetive about something, and i dont try to undertand why he did so..i just feel that he is not valuing my point.i always tell him that i wanna fall in love again, have a freind in you again and i know you cannot do it and so i hate you. this probably doesnt make much sense but then i am not expecting any one to read it so thats that.
today i suddenly thought that why am i not trying to love him.i never understood his side of it. probabaly i never will. i never saw the sacrifices he made for me, however small, i donot feel that he loves me i donot feel his pain, i do not feel he is human.. that he too has fatigue, depression, work , office, dreams... i used to before but in last 6 monthes i did not.i will marry him but its more like an arranged affair now, the marriage i mean, he still does things that hurt me.. but suddenly it seems that may be i cud not love him that much.. . therefore probably i expected more from him, i expected my comfort. i am going to try to love him again... but memories haunt me. and the saddest part is that he...was responsible for breaking me.. yes he was... took away everything that i liked till i forgot who i was..and now when i am finito , it not him who is going to halp me stand again, gain composure again, gain confidence , identity again, its me who has again not only got to collect me broken pieces and join them but also gotta love him again, to try and understand him again. why? i dont know.why do i want to love him again? dont know.. and if i do want to love him, then why complain that i have to do it. its so easy to break and so impossible to mend. i probably will love him again, but will always know that i did so myself, he did not stand by me, that even whn i was numb with pain, its me who had to take care of myself, no friend, no abgel came...and for that i will hate him.... what to do...yes he too has suffered...may be i shud try loving him... may be love will win over hatered.. but i wonder
so long...